"It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I'd been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the Earth as though I had a right to be here." -James Baldwin.
Someone who writes this amazingly well and introspectively will find something that motivates and has meaning for them. And pay the bills.
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there- be bold and take risks with your talent. Luck plays a huge role in success- nobody gets there without it no matter how hard they can say they worked. But putting oneself in position to get lucky is more than half the battle.
I always liked that Rilke quote. It's always been great comfort.
I used to have a lot of the same anxieties. What if no one ever loves me, what if, what if, etc. I tell you, I used to worry so much. But now?
Now I live in that reality. Nobody loves me. I don't make enough to get by. I'm alone. Every fear came true. But you know what? It's not that bad. I focus on what makes me happy. I write stories. I make some. And I get by. You will too, even if the worst happens.
And about feeling like you're a bad person- maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Who cares? I highly doubt you're out there violently murdering people. And even if you are, Lord knows if have to get murdered by anyone it should be by a beautiful woman.
What I'm trying to say it's that it's who you are inside that counts, it's what you do. And no matter who you are, the fact that you care about the quality of that person inside you means you can't be all that bad.
Just take it easy on us clowns. We're not too bad really. 😊
I'm not entirely sure how I ended up here. I was honestly looking for a spicy link 😅 what can I say, I'm a gooner. But this is a really interesting post, for a few reasons
You are remarkably vulnerable. It's difficult to be this honest, with yourself or with others. Many people can't, or won't. You possess a level of self awareness and introspection that most of us never will. That, in and of itself, is impressive. So is your thirst for justice, or "right", as you put it.
Love and acceptance from a supportive partner is possible. Making it in this world is possible. Incremental, but ultimately very significant, improvement in your mental health is possible. You don't give yourself enough credit, you're already doing some pretty impressive things.
For what it's worth, this random Internet freak is proud of you.
God. I read this twice and then sat still for a quarter hour just breathing. The ache here is the kind that seeps through your ribs. The kind that stains. And it's SO familiar. That early branding of unworthiness. That voice in your head that isn’t yours but sounds like home because it’s the only thing you’ve ever known.
The fear-math, the yearning to be held without being erased.
And what an unbelievably cold way he left.
You are not too much. Or defective. You're living, breathing, in-motion and becoming. You already know how to tell the truth out loud, which is far more than most of the people who hurt us ever managed.
I want you to know I see you. I needed this. And if you do bollywop one of these empathy-challenged trust-funded chucklefuck philosophers, i will gladly hold your earrings
Wow I just now saw this and it made my dayyyyyy. I'm so happy (and sorry) that you resonated with this. I'll let you know when I need my earrings held haha
I hear you. I feel you. Keep thinking and feeling and writing. And decide who and what you want to be and just be it. Let their judgement and their disapproval be the fuel that feeds your fire. Show them, and yourself, what you can be, and who you are. And if they don’t like it, or you, show them they can just fuck off. Success and survival are the best revenge.
Deeply resonated with the feeling hard to love notion you’re not alone in that. Also recently lived through and witnessed the whole demonization/possession narrative among others viewed as “possessed” some people are just struggling without communal or communicative outlets and some folx put themselves in those positions willingly to some extent as well. I was definitely of the latter variety I’ll admit as I’m still reading this post.
Have patience spikey spicy armadillo!
(Low key saying that to myself as I press on reading) and that magic Yoo-Hoo potion bit cracked my ass up!!!
IMHO I think you’re crushing it dear! One day atta time and though such extensive relationships become difficult to let go of when we attribute so much of our identity and self growth to the person we spend that time with. You seem to have a pretty solid grip on it though from this stand point in time, the whole letting go, being vulnerable, and the practice of letting the promise of love out there on the event horizon keep yourself open is a daunting bag. Indeed I have been broker than a shitty druids dad joke and was bereft after I shared my life happenings with a new lover, my foolish mistake seemingly was opening up too soon I thought at first and then after many a heartbroken evening trying to figure out why I wasn’t the right fit and where I’d gone wrong, besides exclaiming “ILY” way too soon and then trying to leave room for whatever occurred knowing I’d already probably botched it. I realized some folx just have to express their “healthy” boundaries and that’s cool too but it didn’t help but make me feel like I was too much every time i tried to express myself and send back some positive notions of platonic love. I kept getting the cold shoulder and the “Im glad youre having all these realizations and are growing through things but I just need to find myself” while the home girl she went to for astrological advice was trying to psycho-analyze my “boyish” behaviors in my stead and while I wasn’t around to so I was ostracized from a group of friends I once came to in open understanding and vulnerability and accountability to be met with the sentiment “wellllll, yikes you’re a little too much of everything including the dark and fucked up things and yyyiiiikes” can’t blame them I was surely unhinged at times but in an environment they openly invited it into but it drove me mad anyways being met in misunderstanding. The point of that long winded loop is that the fair maiden was much like you in that she had recently disembarked from a similar long standing relationship and wasn’t ready for all of my shit baggage though she welcomed it at first, in trying to respect someone’s growth shit like that may happen even if you have all the seemingly right words to speak into existence, the proper intentions, an ear to lend always, company for the ride, & understanding of the time it takes for some people to heal and still you may find that it wasn’t the right time or the right place or you didn’t draw the right cards and suddenly you’re alone again in those moments you must ask yourself what purpose drives you in life?
I chose writing as a means to an end and connection with people and building new chosen families and still remain open and hopeful that perhaps it’s still out there. The ultimate point being you can have it all go to shit and have those worst fears realized and then come to realize that you’re still breathing and as much as it feels like tearing out your own heart, you’ll still be you at the core, growing and swaying in the winds sweetly beneath sun rays in the garden of your mind, poisonous to some and thorny on occasion but still uniquely admirable and still absolutely lovely. If someone was willing to love you in any capacity so deeply then trust that the love you engage in is always worth it no matter with whom or how much the mind convinces you to give into fear of rejection like that. If they can’t love you then fuck it! So what, you’re fucking awesome for the fact you can even find such depths of love within you and they better put some respect on that claim! Roll with the punches you’re already braver & more bold than a fair amount of folx can reckon with so rejoice in that, trust the process and let it go and let it flow!
I think you’ll be ok, because you want to be ok, and you want to take responsibility. You have a high level of self-awareness which is key to taking control of your life. Just keep going. And keep writing. You write really well, and it’s a great tool for self-exploration.
Someone who writes this amazingly well and introspectively will find something that motivates and has meaning for them. And pay the bills.
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there- be bold and take risks with your talent. Luck plays a huge role in success- nobody gets there without it no matter how hard they can say they worked. But putting oneself in position to get lucky is more than half the battle.
I always liked that Rilke quote. It's always been great comfort.
I used to have a lot of the same anxieties. What if no one ever loves me, what if, what if, etc. I tell you, I used to worry so much. But now?
Now I live in that reality. Nobody loves me. I don't make enough to get by. I'm alone. Every fear came true. But you know what? It's not that bad. I focus on what makes me happy. I write stories. I make some. And I get by. You will too, even if the worst happens.
And about feeling like you're a bad person- maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Who cares? I highly doubt you're out there violently murdering people. And even if you are, Lord knows if have to get murdered by anyone it should be by a beautiful woman.
What I'm trying to say it's that it's who you are inside that counts, it's what you do. And no matter who you are, the fact that you care about the quality of that person inside you means you can't be all that bad.
Just take it easy on us clowns. We're not too bad really. 😊
Bollywop is a great word.
I'm not entirely sure how I ended up here. I was honestly looking for a spicy link 😅 what can I say, I'm a gooner. But this is a really interesting post, for a few reasons
You are remarkably vulnerable. It's difficult to be this honest, with yourself or with others. Many people can't, or won't. You possess a level of self awareness and introspection that most of us never will. That, in and of itself, is impressive. So is your thirst for justice, or "right", as you put it.
Love and acceptance from a supportive partner is possible. Making it in this world is possible. Incremental, but ultimately very significant, improvement in your mental health is possible. You don't give yourself enough credit, you're already doing some pretty impressive things.
For what it's worth, this random Internet freak is proud of you.
God. I read this twice and then sat still for a quarter hour just breathing. The ache here is the kind that seeps through your ribs. The kind that stains. And it's SO familiar. That early branding of unworthiness. That voice in your head that isn’t yours but sounds like home because it’s the only thing you’ve ever known.
The fear-math, the yearning to be held without being erased.
And what an unbelievably cold way he left.
You are not too much. Or defective. You're living, breathing, in-motion and becoming. You already know how to tell the truth out loud, which is far more than most of the people who hurt us ever managed.
I want you to know I see you. I needed this. And if you do bollywop one of these empathy-challenged trust-funded chucklefuck philosophers, i will gladly hold your earrings
Wow I just now saw this and it made my dayyyyyy. I'm so happy (and sorry) that you resonated with this. I'll let you know when I need my earrings held haha
This makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for sharing it.
I hear you. I feel you. Keep thinking and feeling and writing. And decide who and what you want to be and just be it. Let their judgement and their disapproval be the fuel that feeds your fire. Show them, and yourself, what you can be, and who you are. And if they don’t like it, or you, show them they can just fuck off. Success and survival are the best revenge.
Deeply resonated with the feeling hard to love notion you’re not alone in that. Also recently lived through and witnessed the whole demonization/possession narrative among others viewed as “possessed” some people are just struggling without communal or communicative outlets and some folx put themselves in those positions willingly to some extent as well. I was definitely of the latter variety I’ll admit as I’m still reading this post.
Have patience spikey spicy armadillo!
(Low key saying that to myself as I press on reading) and that magic Yoo-Hoo potion bit cracked my ass up!!!
IMHO I think you’re crushing it dear! One day atta time and though such extensive relationships become difficult to let go of when we attribute so much of our identity and self growth to the person we spend that time with. You seem to have a pretty solid grip on it though from this stand point in time, the whole letting go, being vulnerable, and the practice of letting the promise of love out there on the event horizon keep yourself open is a daunting bag. Indeed I have been broker than a shitty druids dad joke and was bereft after I shared my life happenings with a new lover, my foolish mistake seemingly was opening up too soon I thought at first and then after many a heartbroken evening trying to figure out why I wasn’t the right fit and where I’d gone wrong, besides exclaiming “ILY” way too soon and then trying to leave room for whatever occurred knowing I’d already probably botched it. I realized some folx just have to express their “healthy” boundaries and that’s cool too but it didn’t help but make me feel like I was too much every time i tried to express myself and send back some positive notions of platonic love. I kept getting the cold shoulder and the “Im glad youre having all these realizations and are growing through things but I just need to find myself” while the home girl she went to for astrological advice was trying to psycho-analyze my “boyish” behaviors in my stead and while I wasn’t around to so I was ostracized from a group of friends I once came to in open understanding and vulnerability and accountability to be met with the sentiment “wellllll, yikes you’re a little too much of everything including the dark and fucked up things and yyyiiiikes” can’t blame them I was surely unhinged at times but in an environment they openly invited it into but it drove me mad anyways being met in misunderstanding. The point of that long winded loop is that the fair maiden was much like you in that she had recently disembarked from a similar long standing relationship and wasn’t ready for all of my shit baggage though she welcomed it at first, in trying to respect someone’s growth shit like that may happen even if you have all the seemingly right words to speak into existence, the proper intentions, an ear to lend always, company for the ride, & understanding of the time it takes for some people to heal and still you may find that it wasn’t the right time or the right place or you didn’t draw the right cards and suddenly you’re alone again in those moments you must ask yourself what purpose drives you in life?
I chose writing as a means to an end and connection with people and building new chosen families and still remain open and hopeful that perhaps it’s still out there. The ultimate point being you can have it all go to shit and have those worst fears realized and then come to realize that you’re still breathing and as much as it feels like tearing out your own heart, you’ll still be you at the core, growing and swaying in the winds sweetly beneath sun rays in the garden of your mind, poisonous to some and thorny on occasion but still uniquely admirable and still absolutely lovely. If someone was willing to love you in any capacity so deeply then trust that the love you engage in is always worth it no matter with whom or how much the mind convinces you to give into fear of rejection like that. If they can’t love you then fuck it! So what, you’re fucking awesome for the fact you can even find such depths of love within you and they better put some respect on that claim! Roll with the punches you’re already braver & more bold than a fair amount of folx can reckon with so rejoice in that, trust the process and let it go and let it flow!
I think you’ll be ok, because you want to be ok, and you want to take responsibility. You have a high level of self-awareness which is key to taking control of your life. Just keep going. And keep writing. You write really well, and it’s a great tool for self-exploration.
Can you live in the moment with no expectations? A day with no fear, no judgment, a day without boundaries?